fathers

I haven’t posted much lately, mostly because I haven’t got anything to say and the book project is taking up a lot of my mental energy. I just haven’t had anything interesting to say.

I was re-reading Robertson Davies‘ Deptford Trilogy to immerse myself in great writing. I probably read it once every couple of years. There was a part of the Manticore that inspired me. Dunstan Ramsay is speaking with David Staunton about Staunton’s father Boy and Ramsey says something to the effect that every man has many fathers in his life, and what may be more important than his biological fathers are the ones he chooses for himself.

So the next couple of entries are going to be about fathers, specifically the fathers I’ve been blessed to have.

Confessions of a Failed Faster

I know you’re not supposed to announce your fasting, but I’m not fasting anymore, so I think it’s okay. I’m not trying to raise my spiritual profile with tales of exorbitant fasting. I don’t have any.

In the tradition I grew up in (mental fundamentalist) we didn’t really talk about fasting. We didn’t talk about gluttony either, for that matter, but the only spiritual disciplines we talked about were refraining from smoking, drinking, card-playing, movie-going, and non- King James reading. We figured if we had those down, we had fulfilled the law and the prophets.

So, while I have a much more robust view of the disciplines that I used to, I haven’t been in the habit of fasting. I know it’s a good and godly thing to do, it just hasn’t been a part of my life. I have occasionally, and more often in the past couple of years gone on one or two days fasts, but never anything of consequence. Last week, inspired by a friend, I decided to fast from solids for seven days. Admittedly, I didn’t have much of a plan, I just felt the need to pace myself in a more open posture before God to allow and I figured a fast would be a decent way to do that.

I probably should have prepared better, but I only made it to day three and a bit. It wasn’t the hunger discomfort itself, that did me in. One of the side effects of food withdrawal, especially for those with not the greatest of diets, is irritability. I got home from work this afternoon and I hadn’t slept well, and it had been and early morning and … whatever. I snapped at my daughter. It’s not the first time, of course, lest ye think I’m some sort of saint, but it is pretty rare. Anyway, I stopped, apologized. She forgave me and she went back to playing with her pet snail/sock Shrudshire. I went to the kitchen and had a bowl of cereal.

I have a few callings in my life. I’m a pastor, a preacher. First of all I’m called to be disciple, but the main burdens I have been blessed to shoulder are that of husband and father. I could have the most successful (however you may choose to define success) church on the planet, I could preach like the apostle Paul, and in the midst of that, if I fail   Teddi and Zoe and Simon, I’ve lost everywhere. I don’t always remember that.

Starting this fast, I wanted to become more aware of God’s goodness and where he wanted me to grow. I realized this afternoon that my spiritual growth doesn’t come in spite of at the expense of my wife and children, but through them and with them. They are God’s clearest and most consistent reminder of his love for me and his desire to make me new. They way I interact with them is a picture of how I’m relating to my Lord. I can’t grow closer to him while being selfish to my family. So because I have two small kids who need me to be present and pleasant, I went back to eating. Less and more simply, but eating still.

I wanted to become more aware of God, he told me to be more aware of my family.

I think I got what I wanted

My wife talks about my kids… again

My wife is funny, as are my children, although in entirely different ways.

For example, when Simon throws up on the carpet while trying to do pushups, funny.

When Teddi does it, not so funny.

Here’s another update on our family

what happens while you’re doing other things

I’ve been having a bit of writer’s block lately. Mostly feeling like I don’t have anything interesting to say. In a moment of desperation I asked my wife what I should write about and she said I should write about her, and love, ‘cause it’s Valentine’s Day soon. She didn’t think I’d actually do it, but I would like to have this down so my kids can read it some day, so here goes.

Teddi and I are a living cliche. We met at bible college. Thats really boring, I know  but it’s the truth. I wish we had met while we working for the Barnum and Bailey circus, or while backpacking through Uzbekistan, but we met at Briercrest. I was 23 and had come to Caronport at the end of my prolonged adolescence and after I had learned the following things about relationships.

1. Dating sucks. Not in a Joshua Harris, lets call it courting, which is somehow radically   different sort of way, but in a tiring, soul draining way.
2. If you would rather play playstation until 4 than spend time with your significant other, you probably shouldn’t have a significant other.

3. Sometimes it just has to end badly. It’s not necessarily your fault, it’s just that too much emotion has been in invested, and there’s no way out without tearing something.

4. She’s just not that into you.

5. Sometimes it is your fault.

Anyway, I arrived in Caronport with a healthy disdain for relationships and for the female of the species in general. I was never exactly the most coveted gentleman around, but for most of that year I wore a general air of grumpiness that  I hoped would push most people away. For most of the year it worked.

to be continued…

Redneck past revisited

Okay, apparently you can only pick eight drivers, which is actually easier.

Jeff Gordon                      $2,000,000
Dale Earnhardt Jr           $1,280,000
Clint Bowyer                    $1,775,000
Juan Pablo Montoya       $875,000
Jimmie Johnson              $2,100,000
Patrick Carpentier          $410,000
Greg Biffle                        $1,150,000
Jacques Villeneuve          $405,000
$9,995,000

Now my family is free to mock me more

If you’re afraid that they’ll discover your redneck past…

Don’t join a NASCAR pool. We have a family pool and this is my first year joining. You get to pick ten drivers and have a salary cap of 10, 000, 000.

Jimmie Johnson $2,100,000 Dave Blaney $590,000
Jeff Gordon $2,000,000 Brian Vickers $515,000
Tony Stewart $1,945,000 Regan Smith $500,000
Matt Kenseth $1,880,000 David Gilliland $480,000
Denny Hamlin $1,805,000 Ron Fellows $450,000
Clint Bowyer $1,775,000 Boris Said $440,000
Kyle Busch $1,745,000 PJ Jones $435,000
Carl Edwards $1,730,000 Travis Kvapil $425,000
Jeff Burton $1,655,000 Sam Hornish Jr. $420,000
Kurt Busch $1,590,000 Paul Menard $415,000
Kevin Harvick $1,540,000 Patrick Carpentier $410,000
Martin Truex Jr. $1,400,000 Jacques Villeneuve $405,000
Dale Earnhardt Jr $1,280,000 Dario Franchitti $400,000
Mark Martin $1,250,000 Kyle Petty $395,000
Ryan Newman $1,190,000 David Reutimann $390,000
Greg Biffle $1,150,000 Scott Riggs $385,000
Casey Mears $1,080,000 Joe Nemechek $380,000
Jamie McMurray $1,000,000 A.J. Allmendinger $370,000
Bobby Labonte $980,000 Sterling Marlin $360,000
Kasey Kahne $915,000 Jeremy Mayfield $355,000
Juan Pablo Montoya $875,000 Bill Elliott $350,000
J.J. Yeley $820,000 Kevin LePage $350,000
Reed Sorenson $770,000 Dale Jarrett $350,000
David Ragan $715,000 John Andretti $350,000
Elliott Sadler $700,000 Morgan Shepherd $350,000
David Stremme $610,000 Michael Waltrip $350,000

Robby Gordon $605,000 Ward Burton $350,000

These were my picks

Dale Earnhardt Jr $1,280,000
Jacques Villeneuve $405,000
Juan Pablo Montoya $875,000
Jeff Gordon $2,000,000
Clint Bowyer $1,775,000
Dave Blaney $590,000
Denny Hamlin $1,805,000
Patrick Carpentier $410,000
Dario Franchitti $400,000
Travis Kvapil $425,000
$9,965,000

I’m a bit out of the loop but this was my thinking. I think Jr. is going to have a big year and Hendrick will continue to dominate. Bowyer was undervalued for a guy who finished third in points last year, Toyota is going to have a bounce back with a year of experience, and the cheap guys have all won in other places, and for the most part, just need to stay out of trouble. If they just finish, I should be okay.

I also enjoy that I should be the only person in my family to choose both Jr. and Gordon, which will drive my sister nuts.

Blogs I read

I often see blogs with dozen of other blogs listed in their site. I wonder does this person actually read all of these different blogs? Do they know all these people? How do I get my blog on here?

In case I’m not completely strange I’ll tell you a little bit about the blogs to which I connect.

Beauty and Depravity – Eugene Cho

While the title of this blog lends to some interesting searches finding it, I found it through Jesus Creed when he was writing about the Korean missionaries who were kidnapped in Afghanistan. I’m new to his blog, but it reads well and he seems like a wise and Godly man. He’s also a pastor and church planter and barista and Quest seems to be doing some things in Seattle that we would like to attempt in Edmonton. Eugene was also on of my inspirations to have a website after reading this post. See, stories bear fruit.

Containers and Compartments – Teddi Taylor

Teddi is my wife, my best friend, my confidant, my administrator, my editor, my partner in crime,  the mother of my children and a darn good writer as well. She helps me to relive parts of our family’s life that I don’t notice, and she’s kind enough to send some traffic my way.

Dave’s Web-log – Dave MacIntyre

Dave is a friend that I talk about here. He’s just starting out and says nice things about me.

iProcess – Jeff Young

Jeff is a friend that I met through the Arrow Leadership Program. He’s also a pastor and a great writer. He’s also been walking tall through a tough time lately and has demonstrated to me how to behave as a man of grace and forgiveness and conviction. I’m blessed to know him, and he has great hair, of which I am jealous.

Jesus Creed – Scot Mcknight

We’ve discussed Dr. McKnight before as well, but I believe that Scot McKnight isn’t really a human being, but an incredibly prolific theology robot. He produces some amazing work on his site for free, but also has time to teach and write great books. His fashion sense leaves a little to be desired, but I try not to hold that against him.

Jordon Cooper

I’ve never met him, but I check his site every day, and I’m also part of Resonate.
He provides really neat links to great stories on the web, and he seems to be a thoughtful person. His site is really a gift that shortens my browsing time. He devote what seems to be a lot of time and effort to the church in Canada, and (I can say this as someone who spent four years outside Moose Jaw) he lives in Saskatchewan, which is hard for anyone.

Real Live Preacher – Gordon Atkinson

This was one of the first blogs I ever read, and man did I need it at the time. Gordon’s writing is beautiful, and as a pastor, I need to hear his crazy energy and hope in the midst of depression. He also has a book that I would recommend. I’ve emailed him a couple of times and he has always responded with care and grace.

So there you go. That’s why the blogs are in my roll. I read them all. I know some of them. I would probably put yours there if you ask nicely.

tricycles

If you ever get a chance to read A Tale of Three Kings by Gene Edwards I highly recommend it. It’s basically a book about suffering and brokenness with no easy answers. I’ve come back to again lately.

The basic premise is this: God desires a heart willing to follow him more than he desires our comfort and happiness.

We’re trying to teach Zoe to ride a tricycle. She can pedal well enough and steering is coming along, but it’s putting them all together and paying attention to where she’s going that’s a bit of a problem. She’s doing quite well and I realize that she’s going to get it eventually, but the problem is that between now and then she’s going to fall over, and she’s going to run into walls, and she’s going to make mistakes that I think are dangerous. But I can’t protect her from all of that, because if I do she’ll never know the freedom and fun that she can have riding her own tricycle.

This makes me wonder at the great restraint that God shows in allowing us to make mistakes and be in painful circumstances that shape us. Our heavenly father allows us to ride into walls and fall and be hurt because he desires a greater freedom and fun for us that we can imagine on our own

table

I’m going to stick with worry again today. It’s on my mind today and I think there a lot of us for who worry, rather than being an unfamiliar and foreign land, feels almost like home.

A while back I found myself returning again and again to Psalm 23. I didn’t like it at first. Psalm 23 is so clichéd and cheesy. It ends up on needlepoint and on inspirational posters and in hallmark cards. I think we had a subliminal message tape of Psalm 23 kicking around the house when I was a kid. But I came back to it again and again. I think I was trying to figure it out. Why Psalm 23? What makes it so special?

I don’t think I figured that out but I realized something that I hadn’t seen before. Verse 5 says “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.” God prepares a table in the presence of our enemies.

Is God crazy? I don’t to sit at a table in the presence of my enemies. I want to run, I want to fight. The last thing I want to do is sit at a table of folded napkins and bone china. What happened to lying down in green pastures and being led by still waters. Here we are, surrounded by what appears to be stress and turmoil and danger, and Jesus is saying “pass the butter, please. Try the curry”

It appears that what is stressful for us is not stressful for God, and his top priority doesn’t seem to be leading us places that we perceive as safe and comfortable. He leads us in the paths of righteousness for his names sake.

What if the presence of our enemies and the paths of righteousness are the same place?

Sometimes I think that when our instinct is to fight or run, what Jesus really wants us to do is sit down and enjoy his presence.

Pray that we can all get a little better at that.

Lets ask Jesus what situations we may be in where we’re seeing the presence of our enemies, and he wants us to see the table he’s set for us.

Pray for the courage to sit down and eat.

dizzy

I have to preface his post by mentioning that I wrote this in the summer. Every once in a while I have a rough day and I start listening to the voice in my head that tells me I’m not good at writing or communicating, that I’m a lousy pastor and I should just focus on being a barista because it’s all I’m cut out for. I stumbled across this this evening and thought it deserved another read, even just for me.

There’s a ritual Zoe and I have when she takes a bath. She plays until the water until she gets pruny and I sit in the bathroom and read. It’s a pretty good deal. I like to read, she likes playing in the water. Everyone’s happy.

Tonight she asked me, as she often does, what I was reading. I’m reading “Waking the Dead” by John Eldredge, incidentally. It’s okay, he’s a bit over the top with the military imagery, but I get what he’s trying to say. Anyway, Zoe asked me what I was reading and I said “a book about being alive.”

“Do you like being alive, Daddy?”

“Yeah, I do. I get to hang out with you”

“Did you miss me, Daddy?”

“I miss you every day, Zoe”

“Are you good Daddy?”

“I try to be. What do you think. Am I a good daddy?”

“You’re fine… You fall down. You fall down when you turn around and get busy.”

Just to clarify. Zoe turned two in March and while she has a great many words, she gets the words busy and dizzy confused. She’ll spin around in a circle in the living room and say and fall down and say “I’m getting busy”. She just gets the words confused.

Now I have two options: 1.Dismiss this as the confused words of a wet and tired toddler. 2. Pay attention to what the voice of God is saying to me.

I’m not saying Zoe is a prophet, (although her Grandma on P.E.I. is a bit of one. Is that gift hereditary?) but I’ve been following long enough to know when I hear something I should listen to. When I get busy, I turn around every which way trying very hard to be a good father, a good husband, a good pastor, a good barista. And for a while I’m fine, sometimes even better than fine, but then I fall down. I get dizzy and fall down.

Jesus said don’t worry about your life. Eugene Peterson paraphrases it as “don’t fuss” I’m guilty of a lot of fussing.

And sometimes I need my daughter to tell me to stop.